Fear & Loving: Where Sea Level Meets the Deep – a literary blogstory – PART ONE


May 29, 2014

When you lay on top someone
and feel nothing
how does nothing make you feel

uncensored that’s what I promised myself when I first launched this blogstory artist freedom

One night is not my character man I went more than 2 years without hitting anything

I was angry at a previous is my excuse but truth is fed up momentary gratification too


Afterward, a friend visiting MIA said “so after 2 years you randomly hook up then just go back to being celibate right”

yeah – shrug.

*    *   *

Dark and yellow we beat each other up pretty good wrestle match with baseball bats dude said hey “it’s just foreplay” – diff people view diff things.

During I didn’t even have to wait till after to feel nothing but the physical grip at that moment better than nothing.

It was hot I had the windows open nighttime cleaning my wood floors with a bucket of hot water, Pine Sol, a mop, bare feet and drawers no A/C just the ceiling fans when he called. Quick fresh shower.

You know I’m a minimalist just a firm mattress on the floor with fitted gray and blue sheets.

In February I made sure the apartment I rented in these old two-story blocks was on the 2nd floor because you know the storms and floods will only increase.

And hurricane season’s about to start.

I’m a track star I can sprint or go long distances I’m healthy I find a lot of people have problems sometimes I feel like Benjamin Button

When we were ready to finish he needed lube his hand I never do I only had regular lotion Desert Essence Organic Coconut $8.99 at Whole Foods that is the shyt

But it apparently got friction hot

To wash the lotion off he stepped into the white tiled shower stall across the weird-sized small window I have a fluffy white kitchen towel strung as a curtain on a metal unwound white clothes hanger because otherwise I shower nekkid with the Cuban woman in her kitchen across the alley and the large green Bolivian parakeets on the wires who scream at each other like the Puerto Rican woman in Flamingo Park does at her black boyfriend Courtney

The shower revived us – and we still had to go

Drying off wet – couldn’t tell the diff between shower wet and new Miami sweat. Slick

You know I had two years backed up and I was been ready just holding my breath like you should never do in scuba – I told him get the extra virgin coconut oil from the kitchen liquefied in the air temp; that helped him. He said he hit himself every single day.

I’ve lately been thinking about people who glut themselves with things daily  – surfeit; anything means nothing and everything is dulled.

It’s like people become old men and women in their prime with no edge or hunger just hey it is what it is I’m sure glad I don’t live like that.

Finally we played ball I knocked it out the park he dribbled I told you I’m a track star

Mixing metaphors I laid down on top him and again had that nothing I’ve tried to avoid he passed out a lil shook-snore rubbered out his lips 2 black beards I closed my eyes

Anger before because the previous something – second time in the last year I opened up and allowed myself something  – waited till I was in enough to tell me about the 5 felony gun charges. Then shut down under the stress of the pending trial. And I’d specifically said, “Don’t push your way in.”

Trial is in a couple weeks. We haven’t spoken in over three. Get right or get left. Ava DuVernay’s “Middle of Nowhere” is one of the top ten best films in the last 20. Even before a lockup, you can be at that bus stop in the middle of the desert. I want to say fuck that.

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Miami 2:30 a.m. I woke one-night up and we showered again. My Oceanic dive mask and snorkel tube stared back at me hanging from the shower rod, waiting for me to really dive.

I didn’t walk him to his car out there parked somewhere on the street. Dressed with his baseball cap back on he stopped at the door.

Alright I said.

Alright he said.



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